(An ode to Marshall Bruce Mathers III, my brother from 1972)

Look,
If you had one shot
to smoke pot,
Or one opportunity
To vape with anything you ever wanted,
Including seafood,
Would you piscicapture it?
Or just let it slip away?

Lo,

His tongue is like linguini, bald head, like older Mussolini,
His dad’s a heavy sweater like Fellini, nonna’s fettucini,
He’s impervious, like a genie with a bikini, wearing a knitted beanie,
To vape bombs, but he keeps on forgettin’
What to toke down, how to hunker down, wear a silk gown,
He opens his throat, but he croaks like a goat,
He’s vaping now, everybody’s shaking now,
Everybody’s socks come out, fire up, inhale, blow,
Suck back the depravity, oops ash spills on her cleavage cavity,
Ope, there goes the douche bag, he choked,
He’s a dad, so he won’t give up that easy,
Dope,
He don’t have it, he knows he’s a dope on a rope,
It don’t matter, he needs soap, he knows that, but he’s woke,
He’s so ragged, he knows, when he goes back to his mansion home, no uber just back of a cab again, ho, Bohemian Rhapsody doesn’t capture the vaping with mouths gaping manscaping,

Heavy sweaters choose booze over John Cusack, harden like cement,
You own it, you heavy sweaters let it show
You only need one chop, to miss your chance to blow
Opportunities come many times in a lifetime,
Heavy sweaters choose booze over John Cusack, harden like cement,
You own it, you heavy sweaters let it show
You only need one chop, to miss your chance to blow
Opportunities come many times in a lifetime,
heavy sweater

His chin has manscaping, through this hole he is vaping
This girl is mine for the taking,
Vaping king, as we brew through a New bottle-a-water,
Herbalife is a whoredom, only super stars can afford ‘em
His eyes disregard her, the vape just gets hotter
He blows, like at Dover, this poser with no socks on him,
No stubbly shadows, he’s known as the Harry Potter

Heavy loads, planting beets for shows, he’s growing vegan at home, he’s a home father
He goes home and barely knows it needs water
But hold your woke ’cause the vape don’t hold like it oughta
These clothes don’t fit him no mo’, drinking too much soda
Chicks moved on to the next schmo who crows, he grows dope but sold nada
So he sold Deepak Chopra like gold at the Cotswolds, an old hose like his gardener, like Greta van Fleet goes on
Da-da-dum, da-dum, da-da

Heavy sweaters choose booze over John Cusack, harden like cement,
You own it, you heavy sweaters let it show
You only need one chop, to miss your chance to blow
Opportunities come many times in a lifetime,
Heavy sweaters choose booze over John Cusack, harden like cement,
You own it, you heavy sweaters let it show
You only need one chop, to miss your chance to blow
Opportunities come many times in a lifetime,
heavy sweater

Play more games, better change, get out your cage,
Become bulletproof like a steak that’s aged,
As I was sayin’ in the beginnin’, the foods all changed
Like tobbacky chewed up and spent like minimum wage,
But I kept grinding and stepped right out of my diaper
Put my big boy pants on and followed the Bag Piper
All the lard inside amplified by
Fried fishcakes, I can’t cut pizza without a bowie knife and I can’t provide the right type of food for my family ’cause Stan, these airbrushed Vape pens choke me like a viper,
If it was a movie, I’d end up like American Sniper,

These are bruised lungs and my tummy’s gone die hard,
And my abs aren’t getting harder tryna eat and vape while I tweet, plus
where’s my fly swatter, like a mozzie between a daddy long legs and an iguana,
I like look the Dalai Lhama, vaping all day, too tough
For me to wanna leave my spot, another day another lobotomy,
So blotted from a joint, I’m reading in braille I’ve got to get off the pot and
get on the kale and cut this gordian knot,
Success in nutrition is my only option, being a failure is not
Bring me some balm, I love you, but this vaping’s got to go, I cannot grow old smoking pot
So here I go, tis my shot
Food, fail me not, this may be the only opportunity that I got

Heavy sweaters choose booze over John Cusack, harden like cement,
You own it, you heavy sweaters let it show
You only need one chop, to miss your chance to blow
Opportunities come many times in a lifetime,
Heavy sweaters choose booze over John Cusack, harden like cement,
You own it, you heavy sweaters let it show
You only need one chop, to miss your chance to blow
Opportunities come many times in a lifetime,
You can’t do everything you set your mind to, Stan

Share This Story, Choose Your Platform!